Wednesday, 26 February 2014

Shame is NOT the truth

SHAME is NOT the truth... it is 100% LIE. It takes away your freedom, your very breath, self value and... from being the true and amazing person you have been born to be....
I had to write this as the more I have been thinking about it, the more it has been exposed in my life and more and more people have been opening up and sharing with me their struggles.  We all have them. x

I am not an expert in the research of shame, but I do know this,  that I have lived with shame and at times crippling shame on and off for many years of my life. This ugly ugly emotion (if you want to call it one) caused so many problems throughout my adult life.

I was ashamed of who I was, ashamed of my actions, ashamed of the pain I had caused, ashamed ashamed ashamed...... and through this shame I covered it up and made more bad decisions and created more bad behavior.

One bad decision can get way out of control. It can spiral to an unknown place and then can lead to more bad decisions..... "I am not worthy or good enough"... "I have been rejected by friends, family, boyfriends, work colleagues, no one understands who I am or what I am going through" etc... Oh the shame of it all.... Has anyone else been here?? (keep reading)

Well I think this is all a load of crap that needs to be totally thrown out the window and people must understand that shame is an absolute lie. I am so passionate about this, but I really want to speak out and encourage people that if we allow shame to dictate the directions and decisions in our lives... we have NO hope... I mean why be dictated to and have a foundation that is negative and will bring about further pain and destroy relationships and total self worth??

Shame is one of the most debilitating feelings/emotions, and it can be the root of so many situations in our lives, it can cross over so many different areas from academia, sexual expression, faith, failure in a marriage and relationships, addictions, career, situational pain, past decisions, loss grief, not being good enough or causing embarrassment to others and the list goes on. Anyone with me?

We can talk about shame from our own personal lense, but also the "shame" that can be projected onto us from others. They are embarrassed of the behavior or action, "what would others think of them if they were linked to you"? Am I making sense here? Sometimes the sense of shame is actually the projection from another s own insecurity.

I have lived under so much shame and carried it for so many years and it has been really debilitating. Through grasping the concept that shame is a lie, and NOT healthy I have been able to work through, talk about situations and have given myself a break. Sometimes I look back and some of the stuff that I was ashamed about and carried for so many years..... was not my stuff to carry.....

Even now the concept of stepping out and writing (what may not be correct academic writing, nor do I speak to the standards of the academics or critics) but why should I be ashamed or stop what has been placed in my spirit for the uncertainty or the constraints that some people in society may possibly place upon me?

No one is perfect and the fact that like me (and thousands of other before) we are stepping out to create a platform for our voice. We will fail in some areas, we will not always live up to the standards or others, but that should NEVER hold us back and make us feel ashamed!!

Failure is what makes people who they are vulnerable, amazing, courageous.... Learn, fail, grow.... learn, fail, grow...

Time to learn about failure (it is ok) and then take a lesson to grow.... help people to grow out of shame...  Do you think we can collectivity do this... show love compassion, guidance and tell a story and try to kick shame to the curb?

Would love to hear your thoughts. x

Bless ya
Me xx

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Wednesday, 12 February 2014

The vulnerability task...

The whole concept of vulnerability has been such a 'bad' word in my life that I (have in the past) made damn sure that I did not show vulnerability as I saw it as a weakness. I mean how hard is it to ask for help, actually reach out a hand for someone to walk along side you, or the idea that we are not perfect and if people see the imperfections, it is ok.... 

Sure we make mistakes and at times ask the wrong people for help, but really everyone makes wrong and incorrect choices. If we do not step back out there into the wide world, dust the dirt off and get back up OVER and OVER again we may miss out on something amazing and beautiful. The main tool in life is to get back up and get back out there, and this takes courage.

I think vulnerability goes hand in hand with authenticity.. do you? Why is it that we struggle so much with authenticity and vulnerability? I know especially as a Solo Mum I have wanted to be a superhero and unbreakable... but I have came crashing down many times...... BANG!!!

I have been on this uncomfortable journey for some time, and working through the acceptance of who I am and allowing myself to be raw and vulnerable at times, this has made me more aware of the importance of authenticity and vulnerability for freedom and healing.

If we allow ourselves to be transparent and allow the walls to come down and allow ourselves to be vulnerable and not 'NUMB', we can open up our world. Controlling, manipulative behaviour and hiding behind a mask are all about pushing down all the yucky stuff and not wanting to show people the pain and insecurities... "I must be in control, I can not lose, I have to win, Got to keep it together"... It is a total power struggle...

I know when I started writing these blogs and also taking my wellness page to a more authentic level, my heart started to pound and I felt very exposed and vulnerable. Many people close to me questioned my intentions and wondered why I was stepping out to 'expose' my journey. This actually caused some conflict. 

I just wanted to share a journey of authenticity and maybe someone out there would say "you know that is just like me" or "I am glad you are having the courage to tell your story... Now I can be truly honest with were I am at". Storytelling is a powerful way of exchanging information and it needs to come from the heart... this is what people want to hear.

We tend to block out vulnerability as we see it as a weakness or we could be rejected or hurt in this place. You know the people that move forward, are happy and are authentic, they allow themselves to be vulnerable in different circumstances. 

What I mean by this is asking someone out, talking to new people, changing jobs, sharing feelings, speaking up, putting in boundaries (with the uncertainty of people not liking it), or just trying something new, sometimes it is just taking that step out of your comfort zone or taking a healthy risk.

I am NOT talking about vulnerability and abuse... this is totally another level and unhealthy..

You know emotions can be overwhelming and debilitating at times. I know I have had surging emotions, and wanted to hide and not show people that I was vulnerable at that moment. I was worried of what they would think, so had to take back the power and control over the situation... Is this speaking to others out there? I actually think it is more powerful and freeing just to walk away and let it go, easier said than done (and less exhausting).

So many of us don't want to feel heightened emotion so we numb it out with another activity... Does this make sense or ring a bell? Some people work, drink, take drugs, multiple partners, high risk adventures etc.... just to keep super busy and not allow themselves to just sit in the emotion and say "this is ok to be here, and feeling like this".... why??? 

Because maybe we are unable to commit, and be vulnerable with another person?.... or we do not want anyone to know the REAL person... "If they fully knew me they might not like me?"

The thing about vulnerability is that joy and happiness can stem from here. Do not underestimate the value...  The major thing with vulnerability is knowing YOU ARE ENOUGH..... you are worthy and valued....

So to tie all this together as there is alot going on.... Vulnerability is NOT the enemy, it is the cross roads to healing and the courage and confidence to be authentic in that moment. If someone abuses or mistreats you, have the strength to walk away and then the courage not to put up the walls again.... YOU ARE ENOUGH.. valued and all together wonderful.

Break down those walls.... have people in your world to help you on this journey, and to kick you in the butt if you start to be false and put the walls back up...

Jericho and the walls are a crumbling down... Maybe this is why I called my son Joshua as he has totally broken my walls down.... It is a continual journey, and remember that humans are very complex and are multi leveled... it takes time to be authentic in all areas on your life.... Be kind to yourself.x

Bless ya
Felicity xx